I’ve been antisocial all my life and it has been a struggle. So when I decided I wanted to leave, I didn’t really think things through. I’m not regretting my decisions but, I just became aware of something recently. I know it seems obvious to you all but, that means I can’t keep my antisocial habits.
This week and last week, my schedule has been full of activities. I’ve been going out, having fun, trying new things, and meeting new people. Its been fun and I’m going to continue to put myself out there. But, I kind of miss some of my old antisocial habits of sitting in my room alone for an entire weekend just watching korean dramas or drawing. I find it soothing. I know I can still do that but, I just find myself doing it less often. I used to use these activities as a crutch using it to keep me away from interacting with others out of school. I associated social experiences with awkwardness and bad memories. I have finally started to replace my old memories with happier memories. Sometimes the fear is still there but, so far my experiences have been proving my past mentality wrong. It makes me happy to know that I am progressing and keeping in touch with people other than my family a little more. I’m being invited out more and I’m happy. I used to feel like an outsider with my own friends sometimes. But here’s where the big but comes in.
As much as I enjoy looking at a full calendar and enjoying the fact that I have a full schedule of fun, I also miss the old me sometimes. It’s probably due to the fact that I dove head first into this social thing. I didn’t do it gradually so right now, as I’m finally having some thinking time to myself, I am thinking about alk the things I can do to relax and that lead me to thoughts of what I did for fun in my spare time before this whole self experiment started.
I guess the take home message is that I need to find a healthy balance between social and antisocial. I can’t just become a completely new person and kill my antisocial side. It’s been apart of me for too long and it would mean getting rid of something that is, essentially, me. I can, however, tone it down a little and learn when it’s the right time to be social.
Thanks for listening to my rant! Lots of love