I remember the last time I started the post with this title. I said I lost 2.5 lbs. Well, I gained 10 pounds over the course of a year. Maybe, 15 over the course of 4 years. I really don’t know but, that was the last time I wrote. But, I gained 10 pounds and I am happier with my body now. I look back to my obsession over my weight and it makes me sad. Not to say that I am always happy with my body but, It is definitely way better now. I had so many aches and pains from over-exercising and under-eating. No, it wasn’t to the point where I was anorexic but, it was still unhealthy. I was losing hair, had knee pain, shoulder pain, and other problems because I was not allowing myself to rest properly trying to lose weight for an unattainable goal that was supposed to change my life. That magic goal number on the scale was not going to change my happiness or the way I felt insecure about my body and it’s funny how I realized that in a few days. My entire life changed when I realized I was basically starving and killing my body, albeit very slowly, but I was. So slow that it took me over 10 years to realize. I started dieting at age 10, very innocently because my doctor said I was overweight. But, soon all the compliments about my weight loss seduced me into wanting to lose more and be skinnier, not healthier or stronger, but slimmer with a flat stomach like all the other girls who could show their stomach to the world without remorse. I’m only 23 and I’ve spent more than half my life dieting.
I got tired of measuring everything I ate because I couldn’t trust myself and binging on the weekends to find myself intensely exercising Monday through Friday. Counting calories and getting frustrated when I couldn’t count them for my calorie tracker. I was tired and then when I wanted to eat more my conscience coaxed me back into eating less. Eating more will only make you blow up. I was in my own personal mental hell but, I wasn’t the typical depiction of an anorexic or bulimic girl so, I couldn’t tell that I had a problem until I tried to eat more after learning that my metabolism may have slowed down too much for me to lose weight. So, I decided to eat more. But, I found myself afraid. Afraid of calories! I physically could not eat more than 1300 calories sometimes and I knew that was not healthy. I was afraid of milk, fat, ice cream. I was afraid and yet, I loved them. That’s how I knew I had a problem. I wondered why I was compelled to jump on the scale every morning. I had to remove the batteries to that scale that I bought in that post 4 years ago. It’s funny how life can change in a few days. It only took me a few days to realize I had a problem after years of feeding my weight loss addiction. Now, I am currently trying to find myself more. This weight loss became my identity for so long that now I feel a little unstructured and lost sometimes but, I am glad that I found the courage to start to change. I only hope that others who have been in the same situation can do the same too because sometimes it’s so comfortable sitting in your hell because it’s familiar. By the way, update from part 1, my phone is still falling in the toilets. Just happened last year. 😅
Thanks for reading.