The truth is, I don’t know what I’m doing. Sometimes I feel like I’m just coasting through life but, I’m coming to find out that a lot of people are.
It’s weird because sometimes I get compliments from people about how I’m so put together and have my life together and I’m like, What the hell are you talking about? I’m barely holding my life together. There is so much crap going on. You don’t even know half the story!
The truth is I feel like I’m never doing enough like I could be doing more. There is always more but, I’m afraid to push past my limits. I’ve done it before and it was not pretty when I crashed. I’m afraid to go to that dark place in life again.
The truth is I prefer to be happy even if it means holding back my effort.
Even if it means feeling like I didn’t give it my all because I don’t want to fall over the edge.
The truth is I secretly want to do more. I want to be the best and I love looking “put together.” Although I would love to really be put together.
I want to make A’s but, I cannot push myself to spend all my days studying.
I want to be president of organizations but, I’m afraid that I will get drained by the expectations and fail.
I want to do more but, I’m afraid that will take away from my personal self-care time. It’s so easy to get caught up in putting everything and everyone before myself.
Maybe its fear of rejection.
The truth is I don’t know if I should care about these things anymore. I don’t know what I want.
Success? Freedom? Solace?
But, the truth is that I am afraid to deviate from my schedules and lists. Structure gives me comfort. There is certainty that gives me comfort.
The truth is I want to do something more. I want to be free and start my own business. I want to not be a slave to a job in the future.
The truth is I don’t know what, when or how but, I want to be great. I am going to be great. I hope I can be great.
But, the truth is I don’t know what I’m doing but, then again, half of us around here don’t.
(c) 2018 Shika Tamaklo