Happy New Year! I hope 2020 is a wonderful year for all of us. I made peace with 2019. I think we ended on somewhat of a good note.
Who knows what 2020 has in store for me. Hopefully, good things. Tomorrow, I go back to school briefly. I’m so sad to be leaving home even if it is only for 3 days.
But I digress. Let me catch you all up on the things that happened in 2019 starting with block 5.
At the beginning of block 5, I was reluctant. I had heard a lot of amazing things about this MTM (Medication Therapy Management) rotation and the people that worked there. But, I was still dragging my feet. I was tired. The place was far from me. Then, I was anxious (as I am for every first day).
But, then the first day came and I was already seeing what everyone was saying. I got there early and accidentally was let in through the back door. I still found my way and was lead by a polite stranger to my preceptor.
From the first observation, everyone seemed to be nice and genuine. The mood was always light. I met another student that would be rotating with me. We waited for HR together to be trained.
While we were waiting, the thoughts in my head went wild ramping up my nerves. But, my nerves were falsely elevated. The first week would just be focused on training and getting to know the company.
We were slowly integrated into the flow of daily activities and even got a chance to see what the other parts of the company did. This new rotation was turning out to be a dream.
It was such a healthy work environment. This is the type of company that I wanted to work for. A company that actually cares for you as a human being.
The employees actually seemed happy and people actually liked each other. There were always activities going on in addition to work. It made my sometimes 1-hour commute to my rotation worthwhile (we won’t even discuss the commute back home).
But, then in the middle of my rotation. Another feeling crept up on me. I was up in the dark and left in the dark. That made me realize something very important.
Sunlight is important to me.
My mood is very affected by sunlight. I was getting into a depressive mood frequently and I felt so guilty. How could I be so sad in such a nice work environment? This was the healthiest environment I had ever been in?
Everyone I had met was so nice, caring, and most of all, genuine. How could I feel like this in a place like this? Was it because I actually had time on my hands to think about how I felt?
Don’t get me wrong. I did well on my rotation and during evaluations, my preceptor said I did great. I just need to work on my confidence (as always).
But in my heart, I knew that I was not at my best. And I was not happy with my work. I can be very functional in my depressive moods.
But, I was burnt out. I had a couple of presentations where I just slide by last minute and I felt like I became careless with my projects. That is so not me. I may procrastinate sometimes but I am not careless.
I doublecheck and triple-check. But I just could not bring myself to truly care or actually open up my laptop. My laptop became my enemy.
And when I looked back, I always had my most depressive moods during the winter.
This is the block where I realized human contact is important for me. I am an introvert and sometimes I even joke that I hate people. But it is people that kept me sane for so long, specifically family and the people that I have come to see as family.
In late July, I told myself that I need to do 2 social things a month so that I wouldn’t go crazy. Because I noticed how I felt when I went out after being cooped up in my apartment for so long. But, that became difficult for me to do with my schedule and other life limitations. So, I stopped.
But, after my mom came to visit me in the middle of my rotations after I had a mini-mental breakdown (uncontrollable crying all day), I felt so much better.
I was missing face-to-face human interaction with people that I deeply connect with.
It had been a while since I had seen family (too broke to buy a plane ticket and too little time available). And I was feeling trapped and I did not like that feeling. So, I learned a couple of things:
- I need sunlight.
- I need deep and close human interactions at least once a month.
- I don’t like to feel trapped.
- And I learned what a healthy work environment looks like although that’s not all to your happiness at a job.
Next week’s post will be about block 6. This post actually ended up being a little it longer than I expected. Thank you all for sticking with me through my little hiatus. I truly appreciate you all!
Thanks for reading my rant,
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